


Coming To Terms

by TheRealhero



Series: From Stage To End [3]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Band Fic, Coming Out, Confessions, Friendship, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gen, Homosexuality, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Realization, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 01:46:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRealhero/pseuds/TheRealhero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Facing down Zack is something Brendon just can't do. So he comes clean about what's been happening to him on tour.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming To Terms

Smoke coiled up into the air, making a soft white space in the black sky that hung over head. The stars were out and for once, they could be seen bright. There were no massive cities to turn them out. No cars and street lamps every few feet. The world was quiet and peaceful. It had been a chance event that the bus broke down, landing the boys in a tiny little town. The kind of town that only had one motel. And they literally checked out every room. But it was nice. No fans, no worries about being stalked. Just them and the fields that surrounded the place. 

Brendon stood outside, leaning against a support beam on the motel. His back was to his own door, which hung open to let some air in. It wasn’t exactly cold out and there was no air conditioning, probably in the whole town. Ian was in that room, having passed out a few hours ago. He could hear the other man’s soft breathing, the occasional snore. He liked sharing a room with Ian. The younger man didn’t make a lot of noise. Not like Spencer, he sometimes seemed to have full, unintelligible conversations with himself. Silence was a gift in their world and when he could get his hands on it, he took it and ran. 

Pressing the cigarette to his lips again, he sucked in the dangerous smoke, letting it comfortably fill up his lungs. He held it for a moment, thinking that he heard something. But when no more sound came, he released the smoke, rolling it out over his lips in a slow and controlled way. It drifted down, swirling until a draft caught it and sent the designs wild. He lifted a brow, sure he’d felt no wind, but it was soon explained. Ian was suddenly there with him, startling the singer. The guitarist reached over, taking the cigarette from his hand. He pressed it between dry lips, sucking it in. 

Brendon watched the man. All Ian’s features were softened in the dark. His long curly hair was a mess around his head, hanging heavy around his face. His pajama bottoms hung loose on his hips, revealing a trail of light colored hair that vanished down into them. He dragged his eyes back up, hands moving to tuck into the jeans he’d never taken off. There were a few moments of silence, Ian finishing off his cigarette before dropping it to the ground. Brendon stopped it out since Ian clearly wasn’t wearing any shoes with his bed clothes. Another few moments of silence followed. 

“Broke up with Cassie.” He said, making the singer glance over. Ian and Cassie had never exclusively dated. They were more like fuck buddies. She would come around every so often and they’d go off together for a night or two. All the guys were used to her. She was just part of their scene. To think that Ian had ended things with her was…well it was just odd. Ian messed around with a lot of girls but Cassie was the one he always ended up back with. He’d never said they were dating and he’d never sent her away. What had changed now? “What happened?” 

Keeping his eyes forward, Ian grinned, rubbing at the back of his head. A small chuckled escaped and Brendon waited. He didn’t want to pry, no matter how curious he was. “You don’t…” he started but Ian was shaking his head then. “I was doing stupid shit, man. She could ignore them but I guess I couldn’t. It was better for her, you know?” he said, looking over. Their eyes met and Brendon was suddenly glad it was so dark. His face had heated up pretty quick and he knew that in the light, it would have been obvious. And even though he parted his lips, he just wasn’t sure what he could say to the other.

“I…I’m sorry man.” He said, because it just seemed like the only thing to say. But it was stiff. He hoped that Ian didn’t pick up on it. The guitarist looked away finally, staring towards the ground. More silence fell over them. Brendon wanted to break it though. He felt like he should. As he opened his mouth to speak, Ian beat him to it. “You ever feel like you aren’t doing the right thing? Like…..what’s right for you?” he asked. His head didn’t move. He kept staring down. An uneasy feeling gripped the singer and he cleared his throat. Recently, that was how he always felt. But of course, he doubted his feeling and Ian’s were the same. Ian was a ladies man, always having girls on his arm. Brendon was…well he was still figuring that out. 

The conversation went nowhere after that. They shared another smoke before going to bed. It felt wrong, like too much went unsaid but while he was lying in bed, Brendon knew that it was for the best. What could he tell Ian? That he was attracted to him? That he jerked off to him? No. Of course not. That wasn’t even remotely an option. Ian would probably wig out and call him a freak. Maybe he’d even leave the band. That wasn’t worth it. Plus it could just be a phase. He wouldn’t break them all up just to get some momentary thing off his chest. Yes that was it. It was a phase and nothing to worry about any more than he already had. 

Unfortunately phases took time to pass and this one was holding on for dear life. It felt like each night, he was plagued by dreams of his friends and during the day, he had to watch every move he made. If it wasn't a random hard on, it was his own blushing. Every day felt like he was back in high school. All he was missing was the book to carry over his pants. The guys would totally notice that though, he was sure. They'd pick on him and laugh. Brendon really was surprised that hadn't occurred yet. They were all together so much, someone should have noticed something. And for a long time, he imagined he was getting away with it all. He was wrong.  
It was just a week after they'd left the little town that Brendon found himself alone in the bus with only Zack. The larger man was sitting on his laptop on the couch, tweeting no doubt. Brendon had sat at the counter for several long minutes before he decided he'd slip away and try and get a few moments alone before the rest of the guys got back. But as he started for the bunks, he was busted. "Bren, wanna come here for a second?" The sound of Zack's voice made a nervous chill run down his spine. But the singer spun on his heel and walked over, dropping himself down next to his manager.

"B, you've been acting really off lately. Something going on?" he asked, setting his computer aside. Once again, Brendon got the feeling of being a teenager. This time, one who was being sat down by his parent. And in true adolescent fashion, he shrugged and looked down at his hands in his lap. But in all these years, Zack had proven he wasn't so easy to brush off. The larger man huffed out an irritated breath. "Look man, I've been with you for a long time. You think I don't notice when you're off your game. You tripped on stage last show and would have fallen right off if Dallon hadn't caught you." he said and frowned.

Brendon stared up at him, brown eyes wide behind thick rimmed glasses. "Just...going through some stuff. You don't need to worry about it." he said, thinking this would put an end to the conversation. Of course it wasn't that easy. "It's my job to worry about you, Urie. And not only that, I thought we were friends. If something is going on..." he pressed. Feeling pressured, Brendon blurted out the first thing that popped into his mind. "I think I'm gay!" he said and stood up. He walked a small circle around the central room, not sure what he was thinking.

What felt like several moments passed in silence before Zack cleared his throat. "When...uh when did you start to think that?" he asked. Brendon sighed and waved a hand through the air, like that would explain it all. "I don't know...I just...girls don't do it for me anymore. Like I can't get....anywhere with them, you know?" he replied, looking at the other man. Zack stared right back at him, not acting any different, which felt sort of relieving. Brendon wasn't sure why, but he felt like saying it to anyone would result in some kind of world meltdown. That was ridiculous, he knew that. But still, it crossed his mind.

"And Dallon...on stage. That's not..." Zack started but Brendon quickly cut him off. "No! No that's all for the fans. Dallon's got Breezy and he's straight. I know he is." he said, his face flushing red. He wasn't sure about some things when it came to Dallon but he wasn't going to drag the man into this. Dallon was a married man and even so, Brendon didn't plan on exposing anyone else even if they were...dealing with this too. So he shook his head. "What happens on stage really is just on stage." he clarified, more calm than his first outburst. "And I haven't said anything to the guys. I feel like it would change things...mess up the dynamics of the band or something." he said. To this, Zack nodded. 

He stood up and placed a heavy hand on Brendon's shoulder. "There is nothing wrong with this, man. Okay? I want you to remember that first and foremost. But...maybe just keep it on the down low for now. I know the guys won’t care but with the band..." he said. Brendon understood what he meant. They were halfway through a worldwide tour. If he dropped this on them now, it might hurt things and that wasn't what he wanted. "Okay...I'm sorry Zack. It's just been hard figuring this out." he said. Pulling his hand away, Zack crossed his arms over his chest. "What about Sarah?" he asked. That one hit Brendon hard.

Up until now, he'd never admitted to himself that he honestly might be gay. It lingered on the corners of his mind but now it felt real. What about Sarah? That was a question he suddenly wanted nothing to do with. Looking up, he took his glasses off and sighed. "I don't know...I guess I should tell her...at least break up with her until I know." he said with a sigh. It did hurt. Even if he wasn't into her sexually, he did love her. They'd been together for so long, and it wasn't just because of great sex. He was gone half the time. He loved that girl but now he was afraid he couldn't love her like she deserved. And Zack seemed to agree. 

"Maybe...tell her you need some space. Time to figure yourself out. Time on the road...it made you realize this might not be what you want or something." Zack said, trying to offer the singer aid. And he accepted it. "Yeah I'll tell her that. I'm sure she will understand..." As he finished the last of his words, the door opened and the sounds of his friends’ laughter filled the bus. He and Zack shared one last look of understanding before they returned to their routine behavior. That was the beginning of Brendon trying to embrace this 'phase' and slowly ease his friends into it.

That night, the singer sat alone outside, his phone pressed to his ear. The conversation had started normal but it was so tense now, he was almost having trouble breathing through it. He'd told Sarah that he needed some time...and she's tried so hard to be good for it. Each word she spoke had shook and at one point, she even let out a sob. It broke his heart. "I'm so sorry, Sarah. This is...this is what's best right now..." he'd said, wanting her to understand that it hurt him too. But it just felt like no matter what he said, he was a villain, tearing her heart apart for the fun of it. Over and over, she said she understood and it was okay. But he knew it wasn't okay. It was far from okay. 

By the time he hung up, Brendon felt like he was the worst person alive. His stupid sexuality crisis was ruining everything good in his life. He wrapped his arms around his legs and hung his head, trying to will himself to be strong. But he just didn’t feel it. At some point, Zack came out and sat down next to him. He felt the arm wrap around his shoulders before he was pulled close to the man’s side. There was no resistance. Brendon curled up against his side and just let himself be sad. For once, he had no desire to joke or play it off. Life sucked.


End file.
